Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Golf's 20 Most Hilarious Quotes

By: C.G. Morelli

The green of the grass. The cool, fresh air. The sound of grown men insulting their friends' sisters as small white balls bounce aimlessly off surrounding oaks. This is golf: the sport of gentlemen.

But for a sport that is so civilized, how can you explain why a private course would allow a buffoon like myself to take huge chunks out of its fairways with my meat cleaver of a wedge?  It’s because golf is the sport that takes an uncivilized lump of coal like myself, and molds him like clay into a refined young man of substance. Ok, maybe not.

That’s why I’ve compiled a list of golf quotes that exposes the game for what it truly is: an excuse to light a few cigars and talk a bunch of smack with the boys. So stuff a fat Macanudo between your teeth, throw on a pair of goofy, plaid knickers, and enjoy some of Golf’s most hilarious one-liners. Take as many mulligans as you’d like.

Golf’s 20 Most Hilarious Quotes

20. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - Greg Norman

19. "I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald Ford

18. "Golf is a game in which a ball - one and a half inches in diameter - is placed on a ball 8,000 miles in diameter; the object being to hit the small ball but not the larger." - John Cunningham

17. "I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot." - Don Adams

16. "After hitting two balls into the water, by God, I've got a good mind to jump in and make it four." - Simon Hobday

15. "Some have psychologists, some have sportologists. I smoke." - Angel Cabrera

14. "Pressure is playing for $10 when you don't have a dime in your pocket." - Lee Trevino

13. "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret

12. "Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it." - Ted Ray

11. "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf... and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." - Jack Benny

10. "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." - Chi Chi Rodriquez

9."Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." - John Updike

8."If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death." - Sam Snead

7. "I don't need to know where the green is. Where is the golf course?" - Babe Ruth

6. "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands’ work." - Lee Trevino

5. "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Hank Aaron

4. "The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." - Phyllis Diller

3. "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino

2. "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez

1. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

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