Lost in Translation: The Baseball Remix

With a veritable smorgasbord of drama being served up this week in the bigs, I figured some in-depth reporting would become the cherry on top of the sundae. I said to no one in particular, "Wow. A PED scandal, a brawl, All Star balloting, trade rumors, coaches on hot seats. If questioned, one of these guys might actually say something...that, you know, means something."

But I was wrong. So, I guess that puts my nose back to the old translation grind stone. I will not rest unless every scrap of meaningless drivel that serves as a quote in a morning sports page is eradicated. Until then I'll just help you get the true essence of these ready-made pieces of MLB drivel:


Phillies manager Charlie Manuel on moving Ryan Howard out of the cleanup spot after hitting one homerun in his last 111 at-bats:

"What the %$#*@ are you getting at? I'll do the managing. Whoever hits there, hits there."

Translation:

"In my day, we used to walk five miles....wait, who am I? Why am I here?"


Kirk Gibson on Donnie Baseball's fisticuffs during Tuesday night's ugly brawl between the Dodgers and D-Backs:

"Donnie was mad."

Translation: 

"Donnie really whipped Trammell's ass, didn't he? Don't let the Just For Men mustache fool you. This guy can still throw down."


(According to  Bob Nightengale of USA Today) Office of the MLB commish on the fallout from the brawl:

"Suspensions will not be handed down until at least Thursday"

Translation:

"Donnie really whipped Trammell's ass, didn't he? We'll need to examine the video a few more times. Bud, pass me a beer."


(According to David Lennon of Newsday) Mets front office on the possibility of a coaching change:

"There's absolutely zero chance of Wally Backman being a replacement."

Translation:

"Please join me in welcoming the new manager of the New York Mets, Wally Backman!"