Lost in Translation: The Baseball Remix

With a veritable smorgasbord of drama being served up this week in the bigs, I figured some in-depth reporting would become the cherry on top of the sundae. I said to no one in particular, "Wow. A PED scandal, a brawl, All Star balloting, trade rumors, coaches on hot seats. If questioned, one of these guys might actually say something...that, you know, means something."

But I was wrong. So, I guess that puts my nose back to the old translation grind stone. I will not rest unless every scrap of meaningless drivel that serves as a quote in a morning sports page is eradicated. Until then I'll just help you get the true essence of these ready-made pieces of MLB drivel:


Phillies manager Charlie Manuel on moving Ryan Howard out of the cleanup spot after hitting one homerun in his last 111 at-bats:

"What the %$#*@ are you getting at? I'll do the managing. Whoever hits there, hits there."

Translation:

"In my day, we used to walk five miles....wait, who am I? Why am I here?"


Kirk Gibson on Donnie Baseball's fisticuffs during Tuesday night's ugly brawl between the Dodgers and D-Backs:

"Donnie was mad."

Translation: 

"Donnie really whipped Trammell's ass, didn't he? Don't let the Just For Men mustache fool you. This guy can still throw down."


(According to  Bob Nightengale of USA Today) Office of the MLB commish on the fallout from the brawl:

"Suspensions will not be handed down until at least Thursday"

Translation:

"Donnie really whipped Trammell's ass, didn't he? We'll need to examine the video a few more times. Bud, pass me a beer."


(According to David Lennon of Newsday) Mets front office on the possibility of a coaching change:

"There's absolutely zero chance of Wally Backman being a replacement."

Translation:

"Please join me in welcoming the new manager of the New York Mets, Wally Backman!"

BOOM! Roasted.

By: C.G. Morelli

A few nights ago I saw a rerun of my favorite episode of The Office.  In it, Michael Scott asks his employees to roast him. In typical Michael fashion, he’s completely blindsided when the jokes start to get personal. The following clip is his classic rebuttal:

 

So I thought: wouldn’t the world of sports be that much better if Michael Scott were at the helm? And the answer is most definitely NO…but I thought I’d give you a little glimpse anyway. Feel free to insert your own. That's what she said.

NFL - BOOM! Roasted.

Jay Cutler: Great game against the Packers. You looked cute on the sidelines in your Chicago Bears Snuggie. Boom! Roasted.

Tom Brady: You’re a bigger fruitcake than Cutler. I didn’t know Uggs were official team gear. Boom! Roasted.

Rex Ryan: Send your wife over. I’ve got a bunion. Roasted.

Ben Roethlisberger: Is that a comb in your pocket or are you trying to sexually assault me. Boom! Roasted.

Jeff Fisher: Fired. Roasted.

MLB – BOOM! Roasted.

 

Bud Selig: Great job keeping steroids out of baseball. Now my six year old nephew has chest hair. Boom! Roasted.

New York Mets: The Yankees called: You’re grounded this weekend. Boom! Roasted.

Milton Bradley: Parker Bros. called: Stop being such a DOUCHE! Boom. Roasted.

NBA – BOOM! Roasted.

 

Lebron James: You know how they say “you can never go home?” Roasted.

Ron Artest: Jeffrey Dahmer has more fans than you. Boom! Roasted.

New York Knicks: You haven’t done s%@& since Ewing left town. Boom! Roasted.

NHL – BOOM! Roasted.

Sidney Crosby: Jay Cutler called: He looks forward to watching the All Star game with you. Roasted.

Alex Ovechkin: You could score an “Ovech-trick” in every game this season and you’d still have a problem—you’re name’s not Crosby. Boom! Roasted.

Carolina Hurricanes: Great marketing team. The All Star game’s twenty minutes from my house and I just found out. Boom! Roasted.

Baseball and Haiku...A Match Made in Heaven

By: C.G. Morelli

hai⋅ku (hahy – koo) n.  1. An ancient form of Japanese poetry consisting of three lines and a 5-7-5 syllabic pattern.

Now I know poetry is probably the last thing on the minds of baseball fans at this time of year…heck, at any time of year. But I’m here to tell you Haiku doesn’t need to be imprisoned within the elementary confines of a second grade classroom.

Please allow me to bring it back into the fold for you. Why? Because with about 50 days remaining until Opening Day and no football to satisfy my thirst for sports, I’m bored out of my mind.

I’m sure you are too.

That’s right, I’m talking to you Mr. Avid Sports Fan who’s craftily reading this article in your cubicle with your left eye while keeping a vigilant watch on the door to your boss’s office with your right eye. Don’t despair, my friend. Together, we can whittle away the idle moments until Opening Day and extinguish our work day boredom simultaneously.

I took the liberty of getting the ball rolling, but it’s hard for me to say I’ve compiled on this page the greatest list of baseball Haiku known to man. After all, poems like these can be whipped up in no time flat. So basically, the following Haikus happen to be the best I was able to create in the last 15 minutes.

That’s why I need your help. You never know if the greatest baseball Haiku poem of all time is lounging around in your brain just waiting to be unleashed. Please join me in creating the definitive list of baseball Haiku. I promise I’ll keep ‘em coming too.

Here’s A Hearty Helping of Baseball Haiku:

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I love Don Zimmer

He got in Pedro’s face once

Even though he’s old

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Beer here! Cold beer here!

I’m reaching for my wallet

I don’t have twelve bucks

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Manny, oh Manny

Won’t you come back to Fenway?

Who the hell needs ya?

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Pete Rose was the best

Who cares about gambling, just

Put him in the Hall

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I love baseball but

MLB is a nightmare

Why is Bud in charge?

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The Phils won the series

Will somebody please pinch me?

It might be a dream.

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White ball falling fast

He runs, he dives, he catches

Runner stops and swears

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Steinbrenner had kids

That took over the Yankees.

They’ll make it worse, though

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The baseball Afro…

When will it come back in style?

I miss it dearly

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Little Earl Weaver

Had a very big mouth and

The O’s need him back

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Philly’s Fanatic

Is clearly the best mascot

In baseball today

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The pitchers report

The air is getting warmer

It’s almost that time…