At the Table With...Baseball Legends

We’ve all heard the obligatory conversation starter before: “If you could have dinner with an influential person, who would it be and why?” Ah, the sounds of a high school history class…except without all the snoring and with only half the amount of drool.

Believe me, I’m not asking you to relive it with me because, seriously, those conversations usually turned out to be as exciting as a Florida Marlins home game.

Personally, I always thought it’d be more interesting to think about what you’d actually say to these people as they were huddled around your kitchen table. What would you serve them? What in the hell would they say to you?

Ok, so maybe I think about pointless stuff a little too much. But I only do it so you, the faithful readers, don’t have to.

I’m a baseball guy, so let me share with you the top five ballplayers throughout history that I’d dine with. But I’ll even take it the extra mile for you. I’ll let you in on our conversations.

5. Alex Rodriguez

The Meal: An assorted tray of creams, jellies, and exotic antler sprays

The Conversation: 

CG: I’m glad you decided to stop by, A-Rod. Hey, you tired of that name yet? I know I am.

A-Rod: Big time. Thinking about starting a movement to change it. Maybe something like #50Cent_aur or #Lil_Shrink_Rod would work. Gain a little street cred , you know?

CG: No. I don't. But speaking of cred...how do you see the whole Biogenesis thing shaking out?

A-Rod: Does it really matter? There's a pretty good chance I nailed Madonna. 

CG: What does that have to do with anything? I mean, you're facing a pretty stiff suspension.

A-Rod: You said stiff. 

CG: Yes, Mr. Centaur, I did. Try to stay with me here. Don't you think this scandal will leave fans with a pretty grim outlook on your entire career?

A-Rod: Once again, the Madonna thing. Plus, don't tell Cashman but I'm about to cash his ass out over the next four years. I don't even have to play. I can just sit back, visualize the next six posters I'll have printed with my head attached to the body of a mythological creature, and collect my millions.

CG: Weird. Very weird. But hard to argue with you.

A-Rod: You know, you're starting to sound a lot like Bud Selig.

CG: Ok, I think this dinner's over.

4. Joe DiMaggio

The Meal: Veal Parmigiana and a pack of Marlboro Reds

The Conversation:

CG: Joe, I’ll always be in awe of your 56-game hitting streak. How’d you deal with the pressure?

Joe D: Trust me, it was easier than being married to Marilyn.

CG: High maintenance?

Joe D: You don’t know the half of it.

CG: Was it worth all the trouble?

Joe D: NO!!!  Well, yes.

CG: Shocking.

3. Pete Rose

The Meal: Bread and water

The Conversation:

CG: Sorry about the skimpy meal, Mr. Rose. You know, economy’s not all too good these days.

Rose: Don’t mention it. Besides, it happens to be one of my favorites. I used to refer to it as the after-parlay special back in Cincy.

CG: Sounds, um, healthy. Speaking of health, what’s your take on the whole Biogenesis scandal?

Rose: I’d be willing to bet more than half the league was using performance enhancers.

CG: Uh, are you sure you wouldn’t like to rephrase that last statement?

Rose: Why?

CG: Never mind….So how 'bout those Phillies?

2. Ty Cobb

The Meal: Fried chicken, collards, biscuits, and gravy

The Conversation:

CG: It’s an honor to have you, Mr. Cobb. I’m a huge fan. I celebrate your entire body of work.

Ty: I don’t know where you think this dinner is headed, boy, but you best leave my body out of it.

CG: What?

Ty: You know what I’m gettin’ at, you yella-bellied pretty boy.

CG: Actually, I don’t.

Ty: Look, just eat your damn chicken and zip your lip.

CG: …

Ty: That’s better. Now finish all your vegetables before I sharpen my spikes on that big old nose of yourn.

CG: Mr. Cobb, it’s been real.

1. Yogi Berra

The Meal: A bowl of Cap’n Crunch

The Conversation:

CG: Boy am I glad to be sitting here with you, Yogi…a man known for his dialogue.

Yogi: Well, they say a man’s dialogue is his treasure.

CG: Who says that?
Yogi: Well, it ain’t us, so it must be them.

CG: Of course it ain’t us, but who is “them?”

Yogi: All the people who think a man’s dialogue is his treasure.

CG: But I never heard anyone ever say that.

Yogi: What do you mean? I just said it two minutes ago.

CG: Are you sure you weren’t just reading random stuff off the back of the cereal box?

Yogi: Uhhh….ummm…It ain’t over till it’s over!

CG: What the…? Oh, forget it. Where’s Ty Cobb when you need him?

At the Table With...Baseball Legends

By: C.G. Morelli

We’ve all heard the obligatory conversation starter before: “If you could have dinner with an influential person, who would it be and why?” Ah, the sounds of a high school history class…except without all the snoring and with only half the amount of drool.

Believe me, I’m not asking you to relive it with me because, seriously, those conversations usually turned out to be as exciting as a Kansas City Royals home game.

Personally, I always thought it’d be more interesting to think about what you’d actually say to these people as they were huddled around your kitchen table. What would you serve them? What in the hell would they say to you?

Ok, so maybe I think about pointless stuff a little too much. But I only do it so you, the faithful readers, don’t have to.

I’m a baseball guy, so let me share with you the top five ballplayers throughout history that I’d dine with. But I’ll even take it the extra mile for you. I’ll let you in on our conversations.

5. Manny Ramirez

The Meal: Something extremely rich

The Conversation: 

CG: I’m glad you decided to stop by, Manny.

Manny: Me too. I can never pass up a free meal, especially when I don’t have a place to call home.

CG: Free? I never said that.

Manny: It doesn’t matter. You’ll pay for it. Come on, look at this face. How can you resist me?

CG: Do I look like Ned Coletti?

Manny: Actually, yes.

CG: Take that back.

Manny: Give me 30 million.

CG: What?!?

Manny: I meant 45 million.

CG: Ok, I think this dinner’s over.

Manny: (walking to the door) You’ll call back. They always do.

4. Joe DiMaggio

The Meal: Veal Parmigiana and a pack of Marlboro Reds

The Conversation:

CG: Joe, I’ll always be in awe of your 56-game hitting streak. How’d you deal with the pressure?

Joe D: Trust me, it was easier than being married to Marilyn.

CG: High maintenance?

Joe D: You don’t know the half of it.

CG: Was it worth all the trouble?

Joe D: NO!!!  Well, yes.

CG: Shocking.

3. Pete Rose

The Meal: Bread and water

The Conversation:

CG: Sorry about the skimpy meal, Mr. Rose. You know, economy’s not all too good these days.

Rose: Don’t mention it. Besides, it happens to be one of my favorites. I used to refer to it as the after-parlay special back in Cincy.

CG: Sounds, um, healthy. Speaking of health, what’s your take on the whole steroids scandal?

Rose: I’d be willing to bet more than half the league was doing them.

CG: Uh, are you sure you wouldn’t like to rephrase that last statement?

Rose: Why?

CG: Never mind….So how about those Phillies?

2. Ty Cobb

The Meal: Fried chicken, collards, biscuits, and gravy

The Conversation:

CG: It’s an honor to have you, Mr. Cobb. I’m a huge fan. I celebrate your entire body of work.

Ty: I don’t know where you think this dinner is headed, boy, but you best leave my body out of it.

CG: What?

Ty: You know what I’m gettin’ at, you yella-bellied pretty boy.

CG: Actually, I don’t.

Ty: Look, just eat your damn chicken and zip your lip.

CG: …

Ty: That’s better. Now finish all your vegetables before I sharpen my spikes on that big old nose of yourn.

CG: Mr. Cobb, it’s been real.

1. Yogi Berra

The Meal: A bowl of Cap’n Crunch

The Conversation:

CG: Boy am I glad to be sitting here with you, Yogi…a man known for his dialogue.

Yogi: Well, they say a man’s dialogue is his treasure.

CG: Who says that?
Yogi: Well, it ain’t us, so it must be them.

CG: Of course it ain’t us, but who is “them?”

Yogi: All the people who think a man’s dialogue is his treasure.

CG: But I never heard anyone ever say that.

Yogi: What do you mean? I just said it two minutes ago.

CG: Are you sure you weren’t just reading random stuff off the back of the cereal box?

Yogi: Uhhh….ummm…It ain’t over till it’s over!

CG: What the…? Oh, forget it. Where’s Ty Cobb when you need him?

The Iron-Fisted General

By: C.G. Morelli

It’s tough to love a guy who was once dubbed “the only successful dictator in United States history.” But when you consider the circumstances and the cold, calculated detachment with which Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis treated his MLB commissionership in the wake of the Black Sox scandal, it’s obvious he was the right man for the job; a necessary evil I guess you could say.

Landis was the son of a Civil War hero, a Union soldier named Abraham who lost part of his leg in the battle of Kennesaw Mountain, Georgia.

Perhaps Landis was hardened by a name that served as a constant reminder of his father’s heroism. Or possibly, it was watching two of his older brothers take seats in the U.S. Congress that served as motivation.

Whatever the case, old Kenesaw Mountain Landis worked his way to the judge’s bench in 1905 after serving as court prosecutor in Chicago for 14 years. Being a self proclaimed man of action, he was determined to make his impact felt.

After just two years on the bench, Landis dropped a $30 million fine on the Standard Oil Company for snaking rebates off the rail and shipping companies. The decision was eventually overturned by higher courts, but the incident cemented an image of Landis as a hard-nosed maverick of the court systems.

In 1915, Landis took the opportunity to dip his nose into one of his life long loves…professional baseball. The Federal League had leveled an anti-trust case against MLB and wanted to have the leagues dissolved and reorganized. But the tough, old judge would not bite. He ruled against the Federal League claiming vehemently that “any blows leveled against baseball would be considered a blow against all national institutions” in his court.

So, when baseball faced its first real scandal in 1919, with the White Sox throwing of the World Series, MLB officials looked to Landis for salvation. They handed complete control of all baseball affairs over to the grizzled judge, and Landis was quick to strike a devastating blow.

Without so much as blinking, he banned for life all eight White Sox players who were involved in the scandal, including the great Shoeless Joe Jackson. He did so without giving any credence to a federal jury who’d found all eight players not guilty of any charges just a few weeks prior. And then he issued a statement that came to define his iron-fisted style of rule from the commissioner’s office.

“Regardless of the outcome of juries,” he said, “No player that throws a ball game, no man that entertains proposals or promises to throw a game, no player that sits in a conference with a bunch of crooked players where the ways and means of throwing games are discussed, and does not promptly tell his club about it, will ever again play professional baseball.”

And, boy, did he live by these words during his tenure. After ousting the famous White Sox eight, Landis continued his quest to clean up baseball. After the Black Sox scandal, the commish gave the boot to 13 more players and coaches who had consorted with gamblers. The list includes Joe Gedeon of the St. Louis Browns, Eugene Paulette of the Phillies, and Hal Chase of the Giants. He was even responsible for banning the Phillies owner, William B. Cox, in 1943 for betting on his team’s games.  

Landis also made headlines by temporarily canning Ty Cobb and Tris Speaker, both coaches at the time, for allegedly involving themselves in a conspiracy with pitcher Smokey Joe Wood to throw a game in Detroit’s direction. The shady victory allowed the Tigers to finish in third place instead of fourth and therefore collect a larger share of the end of season profits.

When hard evidence could not be produced, Landis was forced to reinstate the two legends. But the message was clear and no player, no matter how illustrious, was above it. The game of baseball, in the eyes of Landis, was a game of purity and the old war hero’s son was determined to keep it that way.

Baseball fans and historians alike may not agree with all of the tactics employed by Kenesaw Mountain Landis during his tenure as commissioner. Players of the time period may have been happy to take their resentment to the graves for the culture of fear Landis injected into the game in his time. But the fact still remains that Major League Baseball was able to surmount its gambling problem and regain the public’s trust as a direct result of the iron-fisted rule of Kenesaw Mountain Landis.

To Dine With Ballplayers

By: C.G. Morelli

We’ve all heard the obligatory conversation starter before: “If you could have dinner with an influential person, who would it be and why?” Ah, the sounds of a high school history class…except without all the snoring and with only half the amount of drool.

Believe me, I’m not asking you to relive it with me because, seriously, those conversations usually turned out to be as exciting as a Kansas City Royals home game.

Personally, I always thought it’d be more interesting to think about what you’d actually say to these people as they were huddled around your kitchen table. What would you serve them? What in the hell would they say to you?

Ok, so maybe I think about pointless stuff a little too much. But I only do it so you, the faithful readers, don’t have to.

I’m a baseball guy, so let me share with you the top five ballplayers throughout history that I’d dine with. But I’ll even take it the extra mile for you. I’ll let you in on our conversations.

5. Manny Ramirez

The Meal: Something extremely rich

The Conversation: 

CG: I’m glad you decided to stop by, Manny.

Manny: Me too. I can never pass up a free meal, especially when I don’t have a place to call home.

CG: Free? I never said that.

Manny: It doesn’t matter. You’ll pay for it. Come on, look at this face. How can you resist me?

CG: Do I look like Ned Coletti?

Manny: Actually, yes.

CG: Take that back.

Manny: Give me 30 million.

CG: What?!?

Manny: I meant 45 million.

CG: Ok, I think this dinner’s over.

Manny: (walking to the door) You’ll call back. They always do.

4. Joe DiMaggio

The Meal: Veal Parmigiana and a pack of Marlboro Reds

The Conversation:

CG: Joe, I’ll always be in awe of your 56-game hitting streak. How’d you deal with the pressure?

Joe D: Trust me, it was easier than being married to Marilyn Monroe.

CG: High maintenance?

Joe D: You don’t know the half of it.

CG: Was it worth all the trouble?

Joe D: NO!!!  Well, yes.

CG: Shocking.

3. Pete Rose

The Meal: Bread and water

The Conversation:

CG: Sorry about the skimpy meal, Mr. Rose. You know, economy’s not all too good these days.

Rose: Don’t mention it. Besides, it happens to be one of my favorites. I used to refer to it as the after-parlay special back in Cincy.

CG: Sounds, um, healthy. Speaking of health, what’s your take on the whole steroids scandal?

Rose: I’d be willing to bet more than half the league was doing them.

CG: Uh, are you sure you wouldn’t like to rephrase that last statement?

Rose: Why?

CG: Never mind….So how about those Phillies?

2. Ty Cobb

The Meal: Fried chicken, collards, biscuits, and gravy

The Conversation:

CG: It’s an honor to have you, Mr. Cobb. I’m a huge fan. I celebrate you entire body of work.

Ty: I don’t know where you think this dinner is headed, boy, but you best leave my body out of it.

CG: What?

Ty: You know what I’m gettin’ at, you yella-bellied pretty boy.

CG: Actually, I don’t.

Ty: Look, just eat your damn chicken and zip your lip.

CG: …

Ty: That’s better. Now finish all your vegetables before I sharpen my spikes on that big old nose of yourn.

CG: Mr. Cobb, it’s been real.

1. Yogi Berra

The Meal: A bowl of Cap’n Crunch

The Conversation:

CG: Boy am I glad to be sitting here with you, Yogi…a man known for his dialogue.

Yogi: Well, they say a man’s dialogue is his treasure.

CG: Who says that?
Yogi: Well, it ain’t us, so it must be them.

CG: Of course it ain’t us, but who is “them?”

Yogi: All the people who think a man’s dialogue is his treasure.

CG: But I never heard anyone ever say that.

Yogi: What do you mean? I just said it two minutes ago.

CG: Are you sure you weren’t just reading random stuff off the back of the cereal box?

Yogi: Uhhh….ummm…It ain’t over till it’s over!

CG: What the…? Oh, forget it. Where’s Ty Cobb when you need him?