Lost in Translation: NBA Finals Game Six Remix

"I need to play harder."

"It was a team win."

"They're a tough team. We had to keep fighting."

Guaranteed you can find these generic quotes, or some derivation of them, in any morning sports page in the universe. But players in the NBA are different, right? Guys like Metta World Peace have no trouble speaking their minds. They're walking sound bytes.

So, why can't we cut through the rah-rah tram crap during one of the more entertaining NBA Finals of the past decade?

I know, I know. Let the play on the floor speak for itself. Blah, Blah. Blah. The guy who coined that phrase probably invented every recycled sports quote in history. But if you want to be all holier than thou about it, fine. I'll let it slide.

But first I'm translating the mundane into the meaningful...because we're all doing it in our heads anyway. Admit it.

Chris Bosh on stopping Danny Green’s reign of terror in the land of three:

“We’ll see how he shoots it when somebody’s always on him.”

Translation:

“There’s no chance we’re stopping this kid. I mean, this is the plan we’re sticking to after five games? Cover him? Uggh.”

Lebron James on how the Heat will push the series to a seventh game:

“I have to come up big, for sure, in Game 6.”

Translation:

“Would any of y’all be able to identify a basketball if I didn’t play in this league? Seriously, it’s not complicated. I dunk on them.”

NBA front office on Game 6 officiating:

“Joey Crawford will lead the crew of officials in Game 6.”

Translation:

“Joey Crawford will eject Tim Duncan early in the fourth quarter for something arbitrary, like creeping him out with his Eddie Munster smile, thus creating a controversy that will ruin the integrity of the NBA for years to come.”

Heat coach Erik Spoelstra on his team’s strategy in Game 6:

“Can we put together our best game on both sides of the floor in Game 6?”

Translation:

“Can we put together our best game on both sides of the floor in Game 6? No, seriously. Can we? I don’t know. You can’t expect me to do everything. Already spent my whole day coming up with the Danny Green defense. Cover him. Beautiful. I came up with that. I was the guy.”

Dwyane Wade on facing the Spurs in Game 6:

“I mean, this is the kind of team that I feel capitalizes on any mistake you make.” 

Translation:

“Can I get a little help? Chris? Lebron? Mario? Anyone?”

BOOM! Roasted.

By: C.G. Morelli

A few nights ago I saw a rerun of my favorite episode of The Office.  In it, Michael Scott asks his employees to roast him. In typical Michael fashion, he’s completely blindsided when the jokes start to get personal. The following clip is his classic rebuttal:

 

So I thought: wouldn’t the world of sports be that much better if Michael Scott were at the helm? And the answer is most definitely NO…but I thought I’d give you a little glimpse anyway. Feel free to insert your own. That's what she said.

NFL - BOOM! Roasted.

Jay Cutler: Great game against the Packers. You looked cute on the sidelines in your Chicago Bears Snuggie. Boom! Roasted.

Tom Brady: You’re a bigger fruitcake than Cutler. I didn’t know Uggs were official team gear. Boom! Roasted.

Rex Ryan: Send your wife over. I’ve got a bunion. Roasted.

Ben Roethlisberger: Is that a comb in your pocket or are you trying to sexually assault me. Boom! Roasted.

Jeff Fisher: Fired. Roasted.

MLB – BOOM! Roasted.

 

Bud Selig: Great job keeping steroids out of baseball. Now my six year old nephew has chest hair. Boom! Roasted.

New York Mets: The Yankees called: You’re grounded this weekend. Boom! Roasted.

Milton Bradley: Parker Bros. called: Stop being such a DOUCHE! Boom. Roasted.

NBA – BOOM! Roasted.

 

Lebron James: You know how they say “you can never go home?” Roasted.

Ron Artest: Jeffrey Dahmer has more fans than you. Boom! Roasted.

New York Knicks: You haven’t done s%@& since Ewing left town. Boom! Roasted.

NHL – BOOM! Roasted.

Sidney Crosby: Jay Cutler called: He looks forward to watching the All Star game with you. Roasted.

Alex Ovechkin: You could score an “Ovech-trick” in every game this season and you’d still have a problem—you’re name’s not Crosby. Boom! Roasted.

Carolina Hurricanes: Great marketing team. The All Star game’s twenty minutes from my house and I just found out. Boom! Roasted.

The Most Miserable Fans on Earth

By: C.G. Morelli

Being a fan of any professional sports team is hard work.  You take the ups and downs of a grueling season just like the players, only without any of the control.  You obsess over waiver moves, trade deadlines, and salary caps.  Your eyes are trained to periodically glance from game to sports ticker and back to game without missing a second of the action.  But, I assure you, being a sports fan in any of the following cities is a whole different animal.  There’s no doubt that these are the homes of some of today’s most miserable fans.  

Seattle, Washington

From the days of Steve Largent to the current Hasselbeck-led version, the Seahawks have always been a tough out.  But they’ve always been out of the winner’s circle.  Seattle fans have seen their football team make it to the Super Bowl only once since the franchise was founded in 1976, and they lost in tear-your-heart-from-your-chest fashion to Tom Brady and the Patriots.

The M’s have also had their moments.  They won the AL Wildcard in 2000 and advanced to the ALCS where they lost to the Yankees.  Then, they put together a record 116-win season en route to another ALCS against the Yankees.  It was a punch to the gut for all Seattle residents when the Bombers trounced their Mariners in five games.  I’m sure the original departure of Ken Griffey, Jr. and the loss of A-Rod didn’t feel so great either. 

Oh, and the Sonics? I don't have the heart to go there.

Kansas City, Missouri

Marty Schottenheimer basically built his legacy as the biggest playoff loser during his tenure as head coach of the Chiefs.  He’s long since left the post, but the team has continued to disappoint under the last two coaching regimes despite having one of the most dominating rushing attacks the NFL has seen in the past decade. 

In a city that loves its football, the Chiefs’ plummet into NFL mediocrity is intolerable.  But at least the Kansas City faithful get some relief once summer rolls around, right?  Wrong.  Two words: Royals suck.  Five more words for the road: Not much relief in sight.

Buffalo, New York

If it’s not bad enough digging yourself from beneath three feet of snow every other day, imagine losing the Super Bowl every year…for four straight years.  It’s no secret that the Bills accomplished this feat from 1990 through 1993.  Things have only gotten worse since then.  Buffalo fans paint their chests and endure arctic temperatures every Sunday as they continue to wait for their first playoff berth since 1999.

But don’t despair Buffalonians, you still have the Sabres…although they’ve never won the Stanley Cup and seem to be doing their best impression of the city’s football team.  How many times is this team going to come up just short?  Even the Dominek the Dominator couldn’t get the Sabres over the hump.  Antacid shortages have been reported in upstate New York.

Cleveland, Ohio

Sweet misery has a penthouse apartment in downtown Cleveland.  Ladies and gentleman, we can ignore it no longer.  The fans in this city have had it rough.  Just think about it.

The Indians haven’t won the series since 1948.  And let’s just highlight a few of the more recent collapses this team has suffered during that span.  In Game 7 of the 1997 World Series, Jose Mesa blew a 2-1 Indian lead in the bottom of the ninth, which allowed the Marlins to win the series two innings later on a clutch hit by Edgar Renteria.   This past season, the Tribe held a 3-1 ALCS lead, only to watch it slip away to the Red Sox.  Let’s face it, the best thing to happen to this franchise in the past 50 years was the movie Major League.

What’s worse is that there’s not a Clevelander around who can remember the last time the Cavaliers won an NBA title.  That’s because it never happened.  Since the team’s founding in 1970, the Cavs have only made a single appearance in the Finals.  It came in 2007 and ended in a four game drubbing at the hands of the San Antonio Spurs…and that was with Lebron.

Let's not
 forget the Browns of the late 80’s.  Bernie Kosar led the team to three AFC Championships between 1986 and 1989.  Unfortunately, on all three occasions, a man named John Elway was there to greet the Browns at the door and send them all home crying to their mommies.

A final slap-shot to the face of all Cleveland fans, is the simple fact that a town like Columbus was found more attractive to hold an NHL franchise.  Columbus??  Really?? Wow. I guess you could always replace the hockey games with some Drew Carey re-runs.