Super Bowl Monday: Post Game Work Excuses

By: C.G. Morelli

Super Bowl Sunday is a glorious day. It’s filled with parties and people, keg stands and corn chips. It’s a celebration of 20 weekends spent huddled in front of our sets waiting for the teams to be whittled down to two. And when it finally happens, there are at least four perfect hours of pure football freedom.

But then the game ends, and with it the weekend. The last thing you want to do is toss back a few Alka-Seltzers and prepare yourself for another grueling work week. Can’t you have just one more day?

Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.  I’m here to guide you through some of the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly ways to make that inevitable Monday morning call out.

THE GOOD

Stall-ing Out

When it comes to guaranteed success, no other excuse in the book is more reliable than the old stomach bug routine. Think about it. There’s not a boss in the business that doesn’t have sympathy for an employee who ate a bad batch of hot wings during the Super Bowl and spent the rest of the night dropping shots of Kaopectate on the throne.

Plus, there’s no chance even the stingiest of managers would have use for someone whose main contribution to the work day will be peppering the toilets in the employee john. It’s a can’t miss.

Some Say a Good Phony Fever…

When it comes to the working world, Ferris Bueller’s sage advice that a phony fever will get you nabbed is pure hogwash. Sure, a very small percentage of offices ask for a doctor’s note. But chances are yours is not one of them, and that leaves you with a great excuse. The beauty of the Super Bowl is that it’s played in the dead of winter; also the height of flu season. Coincidence? I think not.

The chances of catching the flu at a crowded Super Bowl party are actually pretty darn good, so your boss will have trouble questioning the absence. A bonus is you can probably stretch this one out for a few days as the “flu” works its way out of your system. Go for some sympathy points by telling the folks at your office you got sick before the Bowl and had to miss the game. Then spend your Monday finishing off the left over pizza crusts and hanging around in your boxers until dinner.

An Offer They Can’t Refuse

You don’t have to be a stand-up comic to impersonate the voice of some idiot with laryngitis. You probably have the idiot part down already. Now, call your boss at the crack of dawn, do your best impression of Marlon Brando in The Godfather as you tell him you screamed yourself hoarse during the game, and proceed to enjoy your day off. It’s time to pull the covers back over your head for a few more hours of quality snooze time.

This excuse works really well for people who need to predominantly use their voices during the course of a work day. You know, teachers, receptionists, telephone operators, political candidates (that’s right Barack, I know you’re thinking about logging in that sick day), and the like.

THE BAD

To the Funny Farm…

Nothing screams, “I’m a psychotic nutcase!” more than a bad excuse that conjures up an image of you as a lunatic super fan. So, before you call your boss in the morning and tell him you’re covered from head to toe in gold face paint and that your now-hairless chest bears the logo of the Green Bay Packers, please think again.

A tactic like this may get you the day off, but don’t be surprised if a bunch of guys in white suits are sent to your home with a tailor-made straight jacket, compliments of the company. Trust me, not only is this a poor excuse, it’s altogether a very poor idea.

Care to Place a Little Wager?

I once knew a guy who tried to tell the boss he lost a bet which prevented him from coming to work. Being that he was such an “honest” gentleman and, therefore, bound to his debt, he couldn’t possibly break the deal. He had this elaborate story all boiled up and everything.

The boss actually stood there and listened to that crap for a full 15 minutes. You know where that guy is today? Neither do I. He got canned about five minutes later. The fact is, not many employers appreciate the Pete Rose type. Go figure.

Sossifer, I’m Ober

If you take nothing at all from this article, remember one thing: DO NOT USE BEER AS AN EXCUSE! Regardless of the fact that the Super Bowl is one of the biggest days of the year for alcohol sales, we are all supposed to suddenly turn back into sweet, innocent, little pixies once the clock strikes midnight.

Bottom line, unless you’re a member of the Kennedy family, do not under any circumstance call your boss and slur something to him about not being able to legally drive this early in the morning.

THE UGLY

Boss a Steelers Fan?

If you just want to be brutally truthful and you happen to be a Packers fan, give the old boss an excuse that’s both believable and amusing. Tell him a large gentleman dressed in black and gold smacked you in the chops, heisted your foam-rubber cheesehead, and made you Lambeau leap.

Brighten his morning with this little nugget of information and you might be finishing off stale pork rinds and watching re-runs of Good Times all week.

Enjoy your Superbowl Monday, folks. You’ve earned it.

If the Playoff Teams Were...Beers?

By: C.G. Morelli

So, I’m sacked out on the couch with a mountain of pork rinds to rival Kilimanjaro in front of me and one of a plethora of Divisional Playoff games blaring from the tube. I reach for my beer and take a long swig. Then I give a quick sip to my boy Mike Schmidt, my dog, who’s lazily watching every snap along with me.

I think to myself, “This is what life’s all about.” Playoff football, beer, little or no physical exertion…things can’t possibly get much better.

But then my mind begins to wander. The beer, the football, and the playoffs start mixing together, bouncing randomly off the inside walls of my skull, whipping around at warp speed, dredging up ideas I never knew I had. Then suddenly they all collide in one violent crash, molding them together as one.

That’s when it happens. A deep and earth shattering question arises from the darkest recesses of my mind:

What if the playoff teams were, uh, beers?

It’s an interesting path that could eventually end up both tasting great and being less filling. So I decided to take that trip.

Seattle Seahawks

America’s sweethearts hail from a crappy little tin can known as Qwest Field. For the Hawks, in their rainy weather hell, the regular season and training camp usually meld together as one in a typical year. But this is clearly not your typical year.

After slaying the also-rans of the NFC West to take home the division crown, a formidable lineup led by warhorse quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and journeyman runner Marshawn Lynch ousted the defending champs in memorable fashion. Fans are all too ready to watch another upset unfold this weekend at Soldier Field

But, in reality, this team is nothing more than the Corona Light of the playoff field. They’re tropical and even a little bubbly at first glance. A casual fan might get lost in the excitement of drinking in something new. However, all we’re really getting is the same old Cinderella story with a slightly more watered-down finish.

And let’s not forget the Seahawks’ inexperience, which will prove to be even worse than a big old piece of fruit in your beer.

New England Patriots

The Pats are the class of this year’s playoff field. They’ve been here before. They’ve gotten the job done on more than one occasion and, quite frankly, you know what you’re getting when it comes to this team.

All things considered, from a heavy hitting offense stocked with feared playmakers like Danny Woodhead and Benjarvus Green-Ellis, to a grizzled, veteran quarterback who’s simply on fire right now, to a battle-tested coach with a fistful of rings, it’s clear the Pats will be a tough out.

Like a good old-fashioned bottle of Sam Adam’s Lager, you know you’ll see a full bodied, complex, refreshing team at Foxboro this weekend. Only question is, will we get one of those nasty, skunky bottles of Sam that somehow inexplicably makes it into the six pack? Or will we get the real thing?

Atlanta Falcons

When Mike Smith brings his laid back coaching style to the table and Roddy White brings the dreds, there’s no better comparison in my mind than a bottle of Red Stripe.

Simple geography makes the Falcons a little bit different than the rest of the playoff field. Being the only team from the Dirty South gives them the feel of the squatty, brown bottle filled with a Rastafarian’s delight.

With a solid offense boasting Pro Bowlers Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, and Roddy White, the Falcons, like a bottle of Red Stripe, give you the illusion of silky smoothness going down.

But will Matty’s crispness suddenly turn to a bitter Jamaican-style after taste if the NFL gets its ultimate wish: an all NFC North championship game?

Pittsburgh Steelers

Now that’s enjoying the High Life, ladies and gentlemen…Miller High Life, that is.

This blue collar team comes from the quintessential blue collar town. It goes without saying that many of the fans in Da Burg will be loud, raucous, obnoxious, and with a belly full of the High Life throughout the playoffs. That alone should make the Stillers a formidable contender.

But that’s not the only reason I’ve likened them to the High Life. Just like the beer, they’re an every man’s team. They’ve won six Super Bowls already, and they did it on their own terms: by pounding the football. Look for Rashard Mendenhall to continue this fine tradition.

Don’t forget, the Steel-city crew boasts one of the grittiest defensive lineups in football, with Troy Polamalu cleaning clocks up the middle, and they can put up points in a hurry when Big Ben and Mr. Wallace are clicking.

If you love meat, potatoes, beer, and hard hitting, you’re a lock to be cheering for the Black and Gold this weekend.

You Can Speak Pittsburghese!!

By: C.G. Morelli

Pensivanians from the Sahside to Sliberty, from Sharteers Crick on over to the Strip are prolly gearin’ up for an Arn City celebration on Sunday. I’m sure Stillers fans would love to sit on the stoop come lunch time Monday with a cold bottle of pop and a few sammitches and relive what was an 11^th victory this season for Da Burg.

‘Course yunz should all know these loyal fans haven’t cried that’s it, Fort Pitt just yet. They know the black and gold has a tough one ahead of ‘em.

Now, if I didn’t know better I’d have to conclude the preceding paragraph had undergone the sloppiest editing process in journalistic history. But I’ll let you in on a little secret: this is a most ancient and revered language that is commonly used by a tribe of people known to inhabit a place called Pittsburgh.

It is a language that has both enticed and beleaguered me for years. But now, as the playoffs approach, I am ready to make amends with it. I am ready to offer you the chance to master the language of Pittsburghese right here at The Sporting Scribe.

Remember when your Spanish teacher told you back in high school the best way to learn a language is through application. I never thought I’d ever use that line. But hey, what better way to learn Pittsburghese than by studying a few of the most popular phrases you’d expect to hear from a Stiller’s fan during the big game Sunday? Therefore, I present you with:

A Stillers Fan’s Pittsburghese Pocket Dictionary: Concise Version

A-

Arn City – n. Iron City

            As in, “Hey Pack, you’re about to take an Arn City arse-whoopin’!”

B-

Babushka – n. a bandanna

As in, “Good thing it’s freezin’ in Dallas, so Ben can wear his ridiculous gloves and goofy babushka to represent Da Burg.

C –

Church Key – n. a bottle opener

            As in, “Give me the darn church key so I can polish off a few beers with my city chicken.”

City Chicken – n. fried and skewered pork or veal

Cuttent – v. could not

As in, “I cuttent believe yunz were crying about that Mike Wallace TD catch. Those refs were a couple a jags.”

D-

Da Burg – n. Pittsburgh

Dawn – n. the male name Donald

            As in, “Hey Rodgers, you’re startin’ to look like a goofier version of Dawn Knotts!”

E-

Et – v. to eat

            As in, “Et ‘em up, Stillers!”

G-

Gutchies – n. underwear

As in, “Hey Pack fans, don’t get your gutchies in a bunch just ‘cause our Stillers are about to treat your team like an old worsh rag.”

J-

Jag – n. a jerk

K-

Kennywood’s Open – adj. your fly’s down, buddy

As in, “Hey Jennings, Kennywood’s Open!” (Shouted moments before an unexpected pass bounces off the receiver’s hands in the end zone).

P-

P’toot – n. butt

            As in, “Polamalu’s prolly gonna knock Rodgers flat on his p’toot all day.”

Pensivania – n. Pennsylvania

Pop – n. a bottle of Coke

Prolly – adj. probably

S-

Sahside – n. South Side

Sammitches – n. sandwiches

Sharteers Crick – n. Chartier’s Creek

Sliberty – n. East Liberty neighborhood

Stoop – n. porch

Strip – n. the Strip District (wholesale center near the rivers)

T-

That’s it, Fort Pitt – adj. that’s all, folks

            As in, “Once Hines Ward knocked that defender on his p’toot I was like that’s it, Fort Pitt.”

W-

Worsh Rag – n. a wash rag

            As in, “I’m wavin’ this yellow worsh rag ‘cause some jag stole my Terrible Towel.”

Y-

Yaint – v. you are not

Yunz – n. all of you

            As in, “Yaint gonna tell me yunz’ll miss the game Sunday?!?”

Now that you know Pittsburghese, you’re free to root for Da Stillers using the proper vernacular…which, in this case, means happily leaving all the grammar rules you’ve learned since first grade at the front gate. Ah, the simple pleasures of the Steel City.