The Greatest Innovations in Sporting Equipment History

 I’m sure I can only speak for myself when I say that studying sports equipment is really interesting. See, I know most sports fans out there aren’t thinking about what kind of resin Justin Verlander powders on his hands before hurling a 90 mph heater. And there aren’t many fans, like me, who see a boxer laid out on the canvas and wonder what kind of mouthpiece it is laying beside him in a puddle of his own drool.

It’s this hazy attention to details that causes many of us to take these seemingly innocent innovations for granted. We fail to see the important roles they play in the lives of our athletes and rarely think about how things would be different without them

Therefore, I feel it is my duty to present to you the most important innovations in sports equipment history.

Honorable Mention – Nerf Footballs

Ok, so these flashy globes of foam rubber aren’t really pieces of equipment used by the professionals, but they sure make your Uncle Harry look like Johnny Unitas.  Maybe he was telling the truth when he told you he would have went pro if not for that damn alien abduction. Either that Nerf ball is scientifically designed to soar 90 yards with a flick of the wrist, or your Uncle Harry’s stashed some performance enhancers in that six pack of brew he’s got dangling from his belt loop.

5. Football Helmets with Facemasks

Just think, it wasn’t until the 1950’s that the modern football helmet and face mask were mandated in the pros. Before that, guys pretended to be tough while wearing the same leather helmet worn by Snoopy in his exploits as the Red Baron. Could you imagine how many teeth must have littered the turf by game’s end? It must have looked like closing time at the Chic-let factory. I guess on the bright side, however, not having facemasks would have eliminated pretty-boy smile guys like Tony Romo and Tom Brady from the game. Of course, I’m sure it also eliminated any chance of having the ability to produce rational thought after an average playing career.

4. Batting Helmets

The original batting helmet, used from the mid 1800’s all the way up into the 1950’s, was portable, fit like a glove, and was incredibly inexpensive. That’s because it was the human skull. Apparently no one thought it was a priority to protect the most vital organ in the body from whizzing, rock-hard projectiles. That is until the Major League death toll from wild pitches tallied six players by 1951. Teams like the Pittsburgh Pirates took notice of this scary statistic and began wearing protective helmets. Of course, the rest of the league immediately branded them as pansies… until 1954, when Joe Adcock was knocked unconscious by a wild pitch for a full 15 minutes. After that, the league decided to mandate the helmet rule for all players. Now you couldn’t catch a ballplayer standing in the on-deck circle without a helmet.

3. Hockey Goaltender Masks

You have to be either extremely brave or extremely stupid to stand in front of a blazing slap shot and stop a puck with your face. Until Jaques Plante of the 1960 Canadiens finally donned a protective mask, hockey goalies were a little bit of both. Since then, the goalie mask has progressed from the full plastic variety, made famous by Jason Voorhees in the slasher flicks Friday the 13^th, to the modern version of a helmet and a protective metal cage that we commonly see today. Both varieties have allowed goaltenders to escape their playing days without losing an entire row of teeth or winding up with a face only a mother could love. 

2. Protective Cups

There’s really not much to say here. To even provide a reminder of sports without the trusty walnut shell would be an exercise in barbarity to anyone who’s ever taken a knee to the groin during a game of rough-touch football. But, yes, the forefathers of sports didn’t think twice about leaving the little guy open to injury. Makes you wonder how we all came to be, doesn’t it? The first cup was actually just a rolled-up piece of leather. Yeah, that gives you peace of mind. Thankfully, a wide variety of lightweight and sturdy materials now exist to protect you from the ultimate manly mishap.

1. Baseball Caps

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t sing the praises of the baseball cap. I mean, I where a cap so often it’s become my hairstyle, and that’s the way it is for millions of hat-dependent Americans each day. Don’t feel like combing your hair? Baseball cap. Don’t want your hair to get wet in the rain? Baseball cap. Don’t have hair at all? Baseball cap. It’s the answer to most head-related issues…at least in my book.

But one thing that can’t be disputed is the modern ball cap has become an American staple, like the cowboy hat or apple pie. Thankfully, the original straw hat worn by the 1860 Brooklyn Excelsiors has come a long way. It’s been updated to the modern 59-50 style worn by current major leaguers. Otherwise I’d be sitting on a porch with a goofy straw hat and a corn cob pipe trying to whittle something right now.  

 And, really, who wants that?

At the Table With...Baseball Legends

We’ve all heard the obligatory conversation starter before: “If you could have dinner with an influential person, who would it be and why?” Ah, the sounds of a high school history class…except without all the snoring and with only half the amount of drool.

Believe me, I’m not asking you to relive it with me because, seriously, those conversations usually turned out to be as exciting as a Florida Marlins home game.

Personally, I always thought it’d be more interesting to think about what you’d actually say to these people as they were huddled around your kitchen table. What would you serve them? What in the hell would they say to you?

Ok, so maybe I think about pointless stuff a little too much. But I only do it so you, the faithful readers, don’t have to.

I’m a baseball guy, so let me share with you the top five ballplayers throughout history that I’d dine with. But I’ll even take it the extra mile for you. I’ll let you in on our conversations.

5. Alex Rodriguez

The Meal: An assorted tray of creams, jellies, and exotic antler sprays

The Conversation: 

CG: I’m glad you decided to stop by, A-Rod. Hey, you tired of that name yet? I know I am.

A-Rod: Big time. Thinking about starting a movement to change it. Maybe something like #50Cent_aur or #Lil_Shrink_Rod would work. Gain a little street cred , you know?

CG: No. I don't. But speaking of cred...how do you see the whole Biogenesis thing shaking out?

A-Rod: Does it really matter? There's a pretty good chance I nailed Madonna. 

CG: What does that have to do with anything? I mean, you're facing a pretty stiff suspension.

A-Rod: You said stiff. 

CG: Yes, Mr. Centaur, I did. Try to stay with me here. Don't you think this scandal will leave fans with a pretty grim outlook on your entire career?

A-Rod: Once again, the Madonna thing. Plus, don't tell Cashman but I'm about to cash his ass out over the next four years. I don't even have to play. I can just sit back, visualize the next six posters I'll have printed with my head attached to the body of a mythological creature, and collect my millions.

CG: Weird. Very weird. But hard to argue with you.

A-Rod: You know, you're starting to sound a lot like Bud Selig.

CG: Ok, I think this dinner's over.

4. Joe DiMaggio

The Meal: Veal Parmigiana and a pack of Marlboro Reds

The Conversation:

CG: Joe, I’ll always be in awe of your 56-game hitting streak. How’d you deal with the pressure?

Joe D: Trust me, it was easier than being married to Marilyn.

CG: High maintenance?

Joe D: You don’t know the half of it.

CG: Was it worth all the trouble?

Joe D: NO!!!  Well, yes.

CG: Shocking.

3. Pete Rose

The Meal: Bread and water

The Conversation:

CG: Sorry about the skimpy meal, Mr. Rose. You know, economy’s not all too good these days.

Rose: Don’t mention it. Besides, it happens to be one of my favorites. I used to refer to it as the after-parlay special back in Cincy.

CG: Sounds, um, healthy. Speaking of health, what’s your take on the whole Biogenesis scandal?

Rose: I’d be willing to bet more than half the league was using performance enhancers.

CG: Uh, are you sure you wouldn’t like to rephrase that last statement?

Rose: Why?

CG: Never mind….So how 'bout those Phillies?

2. Ty Cobb

The Meal: Fried chicken, collards, biscuits, and gravy

The Conversation:

CG: It’s an honor to have you, Mr. Cobb. I’m a huge fan. I celebrate your entire body of work.

Ty: I don’t know where you think this dinner is headed, boy, but you best leave my body out of it.

CG: What?

Ty: You know what I’m gettin’ at, you yella-bellied pretty boy.

CG: Actually, I don’t.

Ty: Look, just eat your damn chicken and zip your lip.

CG: …

Ty: That’s better. Now finish all your vegetables before I sharpen my spikes on that big old nose of yourn.

CG: Mr. Cobb, it’s been real.

1. Yogi Berra

The Meal: A bowl of Cap’n Crunch

The Conversation:

CG: Boy am I glad to be sitting here with you, Yogi…a man known for his dialogue.

Yogi: Well, they say a man’s dialogue is his treasure.

CG: Who says that?
Yogi: Well, it ain’t us, so it must be them.

CG: Of course it ain’t us, but who is “them?”

Yogi: All the people who think a man’s dialogue is his treasure.

CG: But I never heard anyone ever say that.

Yogi: What do you mean? I just said it two minutes ago.

CG: Are you sure you weren’t just reading random stuff off the back of the cereal box?

Yogi: Uhhh….ummm…It ain’t over till it’s over!

CG: What the…? Oh, forget it. Where’s Ty Cobb when you need him?

Lost in Translation: NBA Finals Game Six Remix

"I need to play harder."

"It was a team win."

"They're a tough team. We had to keep fighting."

Guaranteed you can find these generic quotes, or some derivation of them, in any morning sports page in the universe. But players in the NBA are different, right? Guys like Metta World Peace have no trouble speaking their minds. They're walking sound bytes.

So, why can't we cut through the rah-rah tram crap during one of the more entertaining NBA Finals of the past decade?

I know, I know. Let the play on the floor speak for itself. Blah, Blah. Blah. The guy who coined that phrase probably invented every recycled sports quote in history. But if you want to be all holier than thou about it, fine. I'll let it slide.

But first I'm translating the mundane into the meaningful...because we're all doing it in our heads anyway. Admit it.

Chris Bosh on stopping Danny Green’s reign of terror in the land of three:

“We’ll see how he shoots it when somebody’s always on him.”

Translation:

“There’s no chance we’re stopping this kid. I mean, this is the plan we’re sticking to after five games? Cover him? Uggh.”

Lebron James on how the Heat will push the series to a seventh game:

“I have to come up big, for sure, in Game 6.”

Translation:

“Would any of y’all be able to identify a basketball if I didn’t play in this league? Seriously, it’s not complicated. I dunk on them.”

NBA front office on Game 6 officiating:

“Joey Crawford will lead the crew of officials in Game 6.”

Translation:

“Joey Crawford will eject Tim Duncan early in the fourth quarter for something arbitrary, like creeping him out with his Eddie Munster smile, thus creating a controversy that will ruin the integrity of the NBA for years to come.”

Heat coach Erik Spoelstra on his team’s strategy in Game 6:

“Can we put together our best game on both sides of the floor in Game 6?”

Translation:

“Can we put together our best game on both sides of the floor in Game 6? No, seriously. Can we? I don’t know. You can’t expect me to do everything. Already spent my whole day coming up with the Danny Green defense. Cover him. Beautiful. I came up with that. I was the guy.”

Dwyane Wade on facing the Spurs in Game 6:

“I mean, this is the kind of team that I feel capitalizes on any mistake you make.” 

Translation:

“Can I get a little help? Chris? Lebron? Mario? Anyone?”

Golf's 20 Most Hilarious Quotes

The green of the grass. The cool, fresh air. The sound of grown men insulting their friend’s sisters as a small white ball bounces aimlessly off surrounding oaks. This is golf: the sport of gentlemen.

But for a sport that is so civilized, how can you explain why a private course would allow a buffoon like myself to take huge chunks out of its fairways with my meat cleaver of a wedge?  It’s because golf is the sport that takes an uncivilized lump of coal like myself, and molds him like clay into a refined young man of substance. Ok, maybe not.

That’s why I’ve compiled a list of golf quotes that exposes the game for what it truly is: an excuse to light a few cigars and talk a bunch of smack with the boys. So stuff a fat Macanudo between your teeth, throw on a pair of goofy, plaid knickers, and enjoy some of Golf’s most hilarious one-liners. Take as many mulligans as you’d like.

Golf’s 20 Most Hilarious Quotes

20. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - Greg Norman

19. "I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald Ford

18. "Golf is a game in which a ball - one and a half inches in diameter - is placed on a ball 8,000 miles in diameter; the object being to hit the small ball but not the larger." - John Cunningham

17. "I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot." - Don Adams

16. "After hitting two balls into the water, by God, I've got a good mind to jump in and make it four." - Simon Hobday

15. "Some have psychologists, some have sportologists. I smoke." - Angel Cabrera

14. "Pressure is playing for $10 when you don't have a dime in your pocket." - Lee Trevino

13. "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret

12. "Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it." - Ted Ray

11. "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf... and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." - Jack Benny

10. "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." - Chi Chi Rodriquez

9."Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." - John Updike

8."If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death." - Sam Snead

7. "I don't need to know where the green is. Where is the golf course?" - Babe Ruth

6. "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands’ work." - Lee Trevino

5. "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Hank Aaron

4. "The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." - Phyllis Diller

3. "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino

2. "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez

1. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

Lost in Translation: The Baseball Remix

With a veritable smorgasbord of drama being served up this week in the bigs, I figured some in-depth reporting would become the cherry on top of the sundae. I said to no one in particular, "Wow. A PED scandal, a brawl, All Star balloting, trade rumors, coaches on hot seats. If questioned, one of these guys might actually say something...that, you know, means something."

But I was wrong. So, I guess that puts my nose back to the old translation grind stone. I will not rest unless every scrap of meaningless drivel that serves as a quote in a morning sports page is eradicated. Until then I'll just help you get the true essence of these ready-made pieces of MLB drivel:


Phillies manager Charlie Manuel on moving Ryan Howard out of the cleanup spot after hitting one homerun in his last 111 at-bats:

"What the %$#*@ are you getting at? I'll do the managing. Whoever hits there, hits there."

Translation:

"In my day, we used to walk five miles....wait, who am I? Why am I here?"


Kirk Gibson on Donnie Baseball's fisticuffs during Tuesday night's ugly brawl between the Dodgers and D-Backs:

"Donnie was mad."

Translation: 

"Donnie really whipped Trammell's ass, didn't he? Don't let the Just For Men mustache fool you. This guy can still throw down."


(According to  Bob Nightengale of USA Today) Office of the MLB commish on the fallout from the brawl:

"Suspensions will not be handed down until at least Thursday"

Translation:

"Donnie really whipped Trammell's ass, didn't he? We'll need to examine the video a few more times. Bud, pass me a beer."


(According to David Lennon of Newsday) Mets front office on the possibility of a coaching change:

"There's absolutely zero chance of Wally Backman being a replacement."

Translation:

"Please join me in welcoming the new manager of the New York Mets, Wally Backman!"

The 20 Greatest Baseball Quotes of All Time

Everybody loves a good sports quote. Ranging from witty insults to deep, sometimes spiritual, insights into life, a legendary line from our favorite athlete can serve as the inspiration that keeps you going, or as something that simply makes you laugh.

To me, no sport has contributed more generously to our supply of sports quotes than the game of baseball. You can easily spend endless hours reading through quotes relating to our nation’s pastime and trying to decide on a small list of favorites. Trust me. How do you think I came up with my list of The 20 Greatest Baseball Quotes of All-Time? Well, you didn’t think I’d keep them all to myself, did you?

So, grab yourself an ice-cold beer, some ballpark franks, and a few bags of peanuts and have a look for yourself. And don’t worry, you can toss the shells on the floor…we don’t mind.

Baseball’s 20 Greatest Quotes

20. Honus Wagner, Pittsburgh Pirates

“There ain’t much to being a ballplayer, if you’re a ballplayer.”

19. Lou Piniella, Cubs Manager

“Statistics are like bikinis. They show a lot, but never everything.”

18. Leo Durocher, Dodgers Manager

“I have never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.”

17. Al Stump, Ty Cobb Biographer

“Was Ty Cobb psychotic throughout his playing career? The answer is yes.”

16. Richie Ashburn, Philadelphia Phillies

“A good lead-off hitter is a pain in the ass to pitchers.”

15. Rocky Bridges, Minor League Manager

“There are three things the average man thinks he can do better than anyone else: build a fire, run a hotel, and manage a baseball team.”

14. Cy Young, Boston Red Sox

“A man who isn’t willing to work from dreary morn till weary eve shouldn’t think about becoming a pitcher.”

13. Hank Aaron, Atlanta Braves

“The pitcher has got only a ball. I’ve got a bat. So the percentage in weapons is in my favor and I let the fellow with the ball do the fretting.”

12. Mike Schmidt, Philadelphia Phillies

“Anytime you think you have the game conquered, the game will turn around and punch you right in the nose.”

11. Durwood Merrill, AL Umpire

“Baseball is the only sport that lets the managers and coaches go out onto the field and rant and rave”

10. Willie Mays, New York Giants

Interviewer: “Willie, how do you compare this catch with other catches you’ve made?”

Willie Mays: “I don’t compare ‘em, I catch ‘em.”

9. Johnny Bench, Cincinnati Reds

“Slumps are like a soft bed…they’re easy to get into and hard to get out of.”

8. Casey Stengel, Mets Manager

“Come out and see my Amazin’ Mets. I been in the game a hundred years but I see new ways to lose I never knew existed.”

7. Stan Coveleski, Washington Senators

“Lord, baseball is a worryin’ thing.”

6. Tug McGraw, Philadelphia Phillies

“Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women…and the other ten percent I wasted.”

5. Yogi Berra, New York Yankees

“Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hittin’.”

4. Ted Williams, Boston Red Sox

“All I want out of life is that when I walk down the street folks will say, ‘There goes the greatest hitter that ever lived.’”

3. Jim Bouton, New York Yankees

“You see, you spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball; and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time.”

2. Lou Gehrig, New York Yankees

“Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth…”

1. W.P. Kinsella, Author of Shoeless Joe (adapted to the screen as Field of Dreams)

“The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and what could be again.”

It goes without saying that objectivity is not something you can really apply to a list such as this. Therefore, it’s inevitable one or more of your favorite quotes went missing. Post your favorite in the comments.

Lost in Translation - Vol. I

I shouldn't be saying this, but I often feel like sports reporters are obsolete. Not that they don't captivate us with random top ten lists, or intrigue us with up to the minute tweets from the smelly stall in the Cav's locker room, or boggle our minds with statistics that would numb the brain of Sir Ronald Aylmer Fisher. What? He's a famous statistician. Ok, so I had to look that one up. So what.

Something I never have to look up to be certain of the utter irrelevance is any quote...by any pro athlete...in any morning sports page. These guys never say a thing, yet today's reporters seem content to mop the mental vomit from these players' lips like creepy mama birds tending nest. Apparently regurgitation trumps follow-up questioning...but I digress.

I'm here to offer the miracle cure. I guess I'll call it Lost in Translation, an exercise many of us perform daily (not that, sicko) that I'll attempt to put in print from time to time. My goal is to cut through the crap for you guys. So, I scoured the sports pages for today's most lackluster quotables and put them through the old translation machine...screw you, Babel Fish.


Mark Sanchez on the looming battle to be the Jets' starting signal caller:  "I'm really having fun." 
Translation: "I'm really looking forward to carrying Geno's jock this season."

Michael Vick on his future in the NFL: 
"I have a couple more years left."
Translation: "I have a couple more years left before I'm flat broke and drunk in Newport News."

Judge Kathleen McHugh after handing down a 30-day sentence to Chad Johnson for violating probation: 
"You should thank your lawyer. He did a great job for you."
Translation: "You're a garden variety douche bag. Ever thought of a name change?"

Wes Welker on being able to speak his mind in Denver: 
"I feel like I can be myself a little more for sure."
Translation: "The Patriot way is for pansies."

Aaron Rogers on his future in the NFL: 
"I played eight (seasons), I think I can play eight more."
Translation: "Must...beat...Brett...at
everything...related...to...football...life...and...texting."

Matt Birk on boycotting the White House visit with the his Baltimore Ravens teammates: 
"I wasn't there. I am active in the Pro-Life movement and I felt I couldn't endorse that in any way."
Translation: "There's a clear connection between football and abortion. My publicist told me so."

A-Rod's Five Greatest Faux Pas...in Hindsight

Unless you were locked in the hole of a federal prison the past three days, you may have heard a thing or two about Alex Rodriguez. His implication in the latest Biogenesis scandal and the inevitable suspension that will follow is about as obvious as a hard-on during Math class. But really...didn't we all see this coming? I know I did.

Apparently, no one told A-Rod...even while he was bathing in muscle cream and transforming his body into the near likeness of a mythological centaur. If someone had bothered to tell him, maybe he wouldn't have spent his entire career making the most hypocritical statements in sports history.

Take a look and remember: hindsight is 20/20. God, I love hindsight.


5. "We have a responsibility not just as athletes, but as members of society to treat people well. To do things the right way."


4. "What I've learned from Cal is to respect the game, respect the fans. Nothing fancy out there. Just do your job."


3. "Anyone can forget about talent, but if you're a good person, your name will be remembered a long time."


2. "I want to be known as a good major-leaguer, and good major-leaguers work to become good."


1. "There is a difference between image and reputation. Image is nice, reputation is developed over an entire career. Reputation is what I'm searching for."


Yes, Alex, it appears as though you've earned quite the reputation. Congratulations.

Ode to a Moustache

You keep my lip cozy and warm,

And never let my nose get harmed.

A manly man cannot go far,

Without his trusty handlebar.

November is male-related cancer awareness month. To show my solidarity with men across the globe who are currently fighting the good fight against prostate and testicular cancers, I will do my best Rollie Fingers impersonation and grow upon my upper lip the greasiest, most finely-twisted example of moustachey goodness this country has ever seen. I plan to provide you, my faithful readership, with a pictorial journey from clean-shaven to fully clad. If you'd like to join the fight by raising your own awareness on male-related cancers, or if you simply want to provide me with a small sponsorship, please visit http://us.movember.com/mospace/3471061

HAPPY MO-VEMBER!!

Super Bowl Monday: Post Game Work Excuses

Super Bowl Sunday is a glorious day. It’s filled with parties and people, keg stands and corn chips. It’s a celebration of 20 weekends spent huddled in front of our sets waiting for the teams to be whittled down to two. And when it finally happens, there are at least four perfect hours of pure football freedom.

But then the game ends, and with it the weekend. The last thing you want to do is toss back a few Alka-Seltzers and prepare yourself for another grueling work week. Can’t you have just one more day?

Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.  I’m here to guide you through some of the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly ways to make that inevitable Monday morning call out.

THE GOOD

Stall-ing Out

When it comes to guaranteed success, no other excuse in the book is more reliable than the old stomach bug routine. Think about it. There’s not a boss in the business that doesn’t have sympathy for an employee who ate a bad batch of hot wings during the Super Bowl and spent the rest of the night dropping shots of Kaopectate on the throne.

Plus, there’s no chance even the stingiest of managers would have use for someone whose main contribution to the work day will be peppering the toilets in the employee john. It’s a can’t miss.

Some Say a Good Phony Fever…

When it comes to the working world, Ferris Bueller’s sage advice that a phony fever will get you nabbed is pure hogwash. Sure, a very small percentage of offices ask for a doctor’s note. But chances are yours is not one of them, and that leaves you with a great excuse. The beauty of the Super Bowl is that it’s played in the dead of winter; also the height of flu season. Coincidence? I think not.

The chances of catching the flu at a crowded Super Bowl party are actually pretty darn good, so your boss will have trouble questioning the absence. A bonus is you can probably stretch this one out for a few days as the “flu” works its way out of your system. Go for some sympathy points by telling the folks at your office you got sick before the Bowl and had to miss the game. Then spend your Monday finishing off the left over pizza crusts and hanging around in your boxers until dinner.

An Offer They Can’t Refuse

You don’t have to be a stand-up comic to impersonate the voice of some idiot with laryngitis. You probably have the idiot part down already. Now, call your boss at the crack of dawn, do your best impression of Marlon Brando in The Godfather as you tell him you screamed yourself hoarse during the game, and proceed to enjoy your day off. It’s time to pull the covers back over your head for a few more hours of quality snooze time.

This excuse works really well for people who need to predominantly use their voices during the course of a work day. You know, teachers, receptionists, telephone operators, politicians (that’s right Barack, I know you’re thinking about logging in that sick day), and the like.

THE BAD

To the Funny Farm…

Nothing screams, “I’m a psychotic nutcase!” more than a bad excuse that conjures up an image of you as a lunatic super fan. So, before you call your boss in the morning and tell him you’re covered from head to toe in red face paint and that your now-hairless chest bears the logo of the New England Patriots, please think again.

A tactic like this may get you the day off, but don’t be surprised if a bunch of guys in white suits are sent to your home with a tailor-made straight jacket, compliments of the company. Trust me, not only is this a poor excuse, it’s altogether a very poor idea.

Care to Place a Little Wager?

I once knew a guy who tried to tell the boss he lost a bet which prevented him from coming to work. Being that he was such an “honest” gentleman and, therefore, bound to his debt, he couldn’t possibly break the deal. He had this elaborate story all boiled up and everything.

The boss actually stood there and listened to that crap for a full 15 minutes. You know where that guy is today? Neither do I. He got canned about five minutes later. The fact is, not many employers appreciate the Pete Rose type. Go figure.

Sossifer, I’m Ober

If you take nothing at all from this article, remember one thing: DO NOT USE BEER AS AN EXCUSE! Regardless of the fact that the Super Bowl is one of the biggest days of the year for alcohol sales, we are all supposed to suddenly turn back into sweet, innocent, little pixies once the clock strikes midnight.

Bottom line, unless you’re a member of the Kennedy family, do not under any circumstance call your boss and slur something to him about not being able to legally drive this early in the morning.

THE UGLY

Boss a Pats Fan?

If you just want to be brutally truthful and you happen to be a Giants fan, give the old boss an excuse that’s both believable and amusing. Tell him a large gentleman dressed in big blue smacked you in the chops, heisted your pair of Brady-inspired Uggs. I mean, the guy's not gonna make you walk to work barefoot...is he?

Brighten his morning with this little nugget of information and you might be finishing off stale pork rinds and watching re-runs of Good Times all week.

Enjoy your Superbowl Monday, folks. You’ve earned it.

Top 5 REALLY Old School Sports Games

It may be hard to remember a world without video games, the internet, or satellite TV.  But, like disco, we can’t go around trying to forget what was once reality. Even then, us sports geeks found ways to get our fix on rainy days, during math class, and even in our cubicles.

These were the top five sports games of a bygone era. If you’re busy filling out some mundane office form at this very moment, it may be the perfect time to bring one of these classic, sports-minded time-passers back to life. Anyone got a quarter?

1. Supa-Fly Flicka Football

Sweep the halls of any high school and you’re bound to find a piece of white-lined paper that’s been meticulously folded into a sharp triangle. But that’s no mere piece of paper, my friend; it’s a make-shift pigskin. Now, just bring it to the cafeteria, force some pimple-faced freshman to act as your human field goal posts, and you’re ready to play a little Supa-Fly Flicka. Simply spot the paper football at various distances and become a one-man place-kicking combo. Drill a few from 50 yards out and celebrate like a Grammatica brother. Give yourself some quality points if you can send the freshman home wearing an eye patch.

2. Suction Cup (aka Landfill) Basketball

Here’s a dorm-room classic for you. Spending half the night spreading saliva on a pair of oversized suction cups is well worth it once you have the cheesy, plastic hoop installed above your doorway. Now it’s time for a mini jam session, or if you want a real challenge, spot up from the land of three and make it rain foam rubber. If you don’t have a fancy, plastic mini-hoop, or if you’re trapped in an office right now, don’t despair. All you need is a trash can and a few balled-up pieces of paper and you’re ready for a quick game of Horse.  If your boss gets nosy and asks what you’re doing, just tell him you’re really into recycling.

3. Pencil Case Hockey

Can’t skate?  Don’t worry, you can still make your mark as an ice rink warrior—just as long as that ice rink is the surface of a desk or table and your skates are the four legs of a chair planted firmly on the ground.  Bust out a #2 pencil (your trusty stick) and one of those replacement erasers that fit on the end (the puck) and you’re ready to challenge that office geek whose wax lips seem stuck to the boss’s rear, or that annoying kid in class whose hand is permanently stuck in the raised position.  Rip a few wrist shots past either one of these clowns, make a few dazzling saves with your custom-made Meade, and you’ll be more than vindicated.  Don’t forget to drill your opponent with a devastating hip check as you make your way to the door.  True, it might not be part of this mini-game, but it sure would feel good.

4. Desktop Football

The beauty of this game is you only need a shiny quarter and a desk or table, so it’s perfect for study hall or the break room at work. Get ready for kickoff as you spin the coin down the Formica turf in search of supreme field position. Then use your four downs flicking the coin wildly across the gridiron until you reach the end zone, the edge of the table.  Get the coin to break the plane and it’s touchdown city. Shoot the coin over the edge and you lose the ball, even if you do gain the indispensable experience of how it feels to play for the Dolphins.  Once you’ve exerted your mini-game dominance, feel free to spike the coinage in your opponent’s eye and do an oddly choreographed dance.  There’s no need to worry about getting flagged for excessive celebration in this game. 

5. Honest Abe’s Soccer

Yet another mini-game that only calls for the use of coins and a table, Honest Abe’s Soccer is pretty easy on the pocket.  Just toss three pennies on the playing field and its World Cup time.  Flick the penny at the rear through the gap between the other two pennies to dribble your way down the field.  Once you get inside the 18, bicycle one Pele style into the goal, actually your opponent’s thumb and forefinger held at the edge of the table.  There’s no better way to play soccer than without all that mindless running.  Now, all you need are a few pints of brew and a couple hooligans and you can bring the post-game riot into the comfort of your very own living room.  I assure you, Honest Abe would be prou

Bud Bowl III: Great Taste or Less Filling?

Seems I can think back to a simpler time; a time when Super Bowl Sunday wasn’t the selfish, end of season hype generator it is today; a time when our nation’s most widely televised game could share the spotlight with another omnipotent, if ever-juvenile, contest; a time when the stop-break mayhem of a beer bottle football game played ring master to America’s most coveted day of commercial programming.

Of course, I can only be talking about Bud Bowl, the Anheuser-Busch company’s slick marketing ploy which began in 1989 and featured what was billed to be an annual gridiron slugfest between animated teams of Bud and Bud Light bottles.

But I’m not just speaking in general terms here, people. I’m dedicating this article to the genuine article: The greatest Bud Bowl of them all, Bud Bowl III.

To me, this piece of stop-break goodness outshined all other beer-related sporting contests before and after its time. Part of the charm of Bud Bowl III was dependent on the fact that it consisted of a whopping seven ads placed strategically throughout the course of the actual Super Bowl game. That meant you were bound to be treated to an all-important Bud Bowl update nearly twice a quarter on average, instead of the pitiful two or three ad performances of more recent contests.

Also, it was a matchup that set the stage for a possible King of Beers three-peat. A win by Bud would have given them an unprecedented third Bud Bowl championship and an automatic seat in history next to the other dynastic legends of the adult-beverage sporting contest world. Ok, maybe there’s not much competition in this arena. So what?

At any rate, Bud Light wasn’t about to simply crack under the pressure. They had themselves a scrappy team, and past defeats had helped them develop quite a sizable chip on their, eh, shoulders. The addition of top draft pick and star quarterback, “Bud Dry,” also didn’t hurt in the way of boosting Light’s often watered-down confidence.

Aside from all the background hoopla that built Bud Bowl III up in terms of fan excitement, the game itself did not disappoint.

From the opening kickoff, which actually tallied at least 20 seconds on the hang-time meter before ascending out of the stadium, to a big opening drive that featured Bud Light linemen busting open a huge running lane with the aid of a giant-sized can opener, to the introduction of “helmet cam” strapped to the caps of Billy and Bobby Bud (the brothers from Cerveza, TX of course) on a nifty play-action catch and run to open up the King of Beer’s scoring, to the intoxicating play-by-play of ESPN legend Chris Berman, this installment of Bud Bowl had it all.

There was even an encore touchdown plunge by larger-than-life Bud bottle “The Freezer” and a sweet Hail Mary pass to a certain “long necked” Bud receiver to give the defending champs a 21-17 lead with just seconds to go.

But the final play of Bud Bowl III is what cemented it as a commercial masterpiece.

In a play eerily reminiscent of Tennessee’s homerun throwback play (which didn’t happen for another eight years. I think Jeff Fisher may have done a little advance scouting at the Anheuser-Busch facility), surprise kick returner, Bud Dry, collected the kickoff, made a nifty move, and pitched the ball across the field to one of his teammates.

This unidentified Bud Light bottle rumbled down the sidelines, dotted with gasping Budweiser players and coaches, and directly through an over zealous Budweiser team band prepared to celebrate what seemed like a sure Budweiser victory. Then he plowed into the end zone, even with a Tuba uncomfortably clinging to his thermos-chilled body, and gave Bud Light its first ever Bud Bowl championship by a score of 23-21.

By setting up a key TD play earlier in the contest, and through his heroics on the game winning kickoff return, Bud Dry was the clear MVP. True, he may have deserved it. But tell me, folks: Where is Mr. Fancy Pants Bud Dry today?

Discontinued, that’s where.

Regardless, we still have to give Bud Bowl III some today for being the greatest string of stop-break folly to ever grace all those wasted minutes between Super Bowl drives. Have a look for yourself:

The Sporting Scribe's Super Bowl Spread: Chicago Style Dogs

If the Jamaican Jerk Chicken recipe I gave you earlier wasn’t enough, don’t worry. I’m on your side. All week, while you’re busy surfing the internet behind your supervisor’s back and pretending to look busy whenever he walks by your cube, I’m dreaming up a deliciously artery-shattering meal for the big game.

Nothing is easier, more delicious, and less healthy than the classic Chicago-style hot dog. Just ask Jay Cutler. Dude probably eats scores of these things on his romantic strolls through the Windy City. In fact, now that I think about it, that mysterious leg injury shouldn’t be much of a mystery at all. Can you say, “I got gout?” At any rate, enjoy.

Chicago’s Hottest Dogs

Ingredients

1 tbs. grainy mustard

2 tsp. white-wine vinegar

Coarse salt and ground pepper to taste

½ of a Vidalia onion, thinly sliced into spears

½ of a hot house cucumber

1 large tomato, sliced

1/2 cup celery leaves

2 tablespoons hot banana peppers, chopped

4 hot dogs (I’ve used all-beef and turkey dogs; both have been delicious)

4 hot dog buns, grilled or toasted

1-2 pickle spears

Dill relish to taste

Directions

1. Combine the mustard and white-wine vinegar in a medium bowl and whisk until smooth.

2. Add salt and pepper to the mixture, to your taste.

3. Add the Vidalia onion, cucumber, tomato, celery leaves, and hot peppers to the mixture. Toss.

4. Throw the dogs on the grill over medium-high heat until browned and heated through, about six minutes.

5. Serve your Chicago-style dogs on grilled buns. Top each with a sliced pickle spear and some dill relish.