BOOM! Roasted.

By: C.G. Morelli

A few nights ago I saw a rerun of my favorite episode of The Office.  In it, Michael Scott asks his employees to roast him. In typical Michael fashion, he’s completely blindsided when the jokes start to get personal. The following clip is his classic rebuttal:

 

So I thought: wouldn’t the world of sports be that much better if Michael Scott were at the helm? And the answer is most definitely NO…but I thought I’d give you a little glimpse anyway. Feel free to insert your own. That's what she said.

NFL - BOOM! Roasted.

Jay Cutler: Great game against the Packers. You looked cute on the sidelines in your Chicago Bears Snuggie. Boom! Roasted.

Tom Brady: You’re a bigger fruitcake than Cutler. I didn’t know Uggs were official team gear. Boom! Roasted.

Rex Ryan: Send your wife over. I’ve got a bunion. Roasted.

Ben Roethlisberger: Is that a comb in your pocket or are you trying to sexually assault me. Boom! Roasted.

Jeff Fisher: Fired. Roasted.

MLB – BOOM! Roasted.

 

Bud Selig: Great job keeping steroids out of baseball. Now my six year old nephew has chest hair. Boom! Roasted.

New York Mets: The Yankees called: You’re grounded this weekend. Boom! Roasted.

Milton Bradley: Parker Bros. called: Stop being such a DOUCHE! Boom. Roasted.

NBA – BOOM! Roasted.

 

Lebron James: You know how they say “you can never go home?” Roasted.

Ron Artest: Jeffrey Dahmer has more fans than you. Boom! Roasted.

New York Knicks: You haven’t done s%@& since Ewing left town. Boom! Roasted.

NHL – BOOM! Roasted.

Sidney Crosby: Jay Cutler called: He looks forward to watching the All Star game with you. Roasted.

Alex Ovechkin: You could score an “Ovech-trick” in every game this season and you’d still have a problem—you’re name’s not Crosby. Boom! Roasted.

Carolina Hurricanes: Great marketing team. The All Star game’s twenty minutes from my house and I just found out. Boom! Roasted.

A Salute to Simplicity: Nintendo Sports

By: C.G. Morelli

There are sports video games out there right now that are, in a word, unbelievable. You can page through complex football playbooks, create new franchises, or swing a live bat against live pitching. Some systems even go so far as to mimic your actual body movements and translate them into your play. It’s clear that things have come a long way since Pong, my friends.

But what these games offer in the way of crystal clear, realistic graphics, fast-paced game play, and player interaction, they lack in one important area…simplicity. What ever happened to some of the classic Nintendo favorites? I’m talking about the games that paved the way for some of the more amazing advancements we see today.

No matter who you are, if you’re looking for a little old school simplicity in your gaming experience, these NES sports games won’t disappoint.

Blades of Steel (Konami, 1988)

This game was a small step up from the traditional Nintendo Ice Hockey game, where you’d string together a lineup of rail-thin, medium, and heavyweight skaters. The game play remained basically the same, but you’d spend half the game bumping into defenders intentionally so you could engage in crude Rock ‘em, Sock ‘em Robot style fighting. A classy move was to rip the guy’s jersey over his head and go to town with lefts and rights. 

Sure, you could rip a slap shot past the opposing goalie and watch him have an on-ice temper tantrum, but everyone knew that if you won the fights you had ultimate bragging rights, even if you lost the game itself.

Double Dribble (Konami, 1987)

Who could ever forget this classic basketball game? Rock out to the National Anthem as droves of fans literally pour into the Konami Arena to watch a team like the New York Eagles take on the Boston Frogs. And yes, those mascots do make a special appearance at halftime.

Pull up from half court and watch the ball soar nearly off the screen and then drop, with the sound of a plummeting bomb, in the net for 3 points. Dunk in someone’s eye and witness one of the cheesiest on-screen, reverse slam cutaways in gaming history. 

Did you know this game actually gives you the option of playing 30 minute quarters? I wouldn’t recommend it, but if you have a few hours on your hands, give it a try and see if you can post Chamberlain-shattering numbers in the first quarter.

California Games (Epyx, 1989)

Who could hate a game that has “Louie, Louie” as its theme song, bra? California Games was extreme sports before extreme sports actually existed. Therefore, you can rip off a sweet jester with a Hacky-Sack, meet the incisors of a shark after wiping from your board, or steer a ditzy, blond skater girl into curbs and watch her fall face first into the concrete. This game even takes the time out of its busy day to inform you of how “dorky” it is to crash over the handlebars of a BMX bike.

Cali Games is basically all the big-hair, bright-color remnants of the late 80’s and early 90’s packed into one game. It was originally a game intended for the home PC, but made a smooth transition to Nintendo and other game consoles.

Track and Field II (Konami, 1988)

From the second your plane lands at the airport to mark your Olympic arrival, it’s pretty clear that this game will cause permanent damage to your thumbs from repeatedly pounding the A and B buttons to run each race. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to work your fingers to the bone and win gold for the US in fencing, triple jump, hurdles, swimming, canoeing…the list goes on. 

You’ll appreciate the typewritten report of your progress as you move through each event. Don’t feel alone if the word ‘disqualified’ becomes an important part of your vocabulary.

Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out (NES, 1987)

Little Mac takes on a role as New York’s version of Rocky. Smack a thorny rose down Don Flamenco’s throat, or crack King Hippo in the gut and drop his pants down around his ankles. Time Bald Bull’s special Bull Charge just right and knock him down in one punch. 

Move up the ranks and listen to the lame trash talk of about 10 different opponents until you reach Iron Mike. Then, drop that squeaky-voiced nutcase with one of Little Mac’s infamous upper cuts and watch Super Mario count him out. 

Just don’t piss off Mac’s corner man…dude scares me. He’ll personally come to your house and have you running wind sprints if you get your butt kicked by Glass Joe again.

RBI Baseball (Tengen, 1988)

When I was a kid, there were about three things I could do to really get my little brother bent out of shape. One was to hold him down and make him scream ‘uncle.’ Another was to “borrow” many of his belongings for “short” periods of time. The third was to whip his butt at RBI Baseball. 

Of course, the best way to get that done was to ride the blazing fastball of Doc Gooden, and compliment it with a few devastating change-ups along the way. This was done by holding up on the D-Pad after the pitch was released and then reveling in your opponent’s frustration. 

This would often result in a Nintendo controller being smashed against a wall (Mom, we swear it was an accident every time) but it was worth it.    

With its frumpy, weeble wobble-esque players and intoxicatingly annoying theme music, this game is an absolute classic. It easily beats both of its sequels.

Tecmo Super Bowl (Tecmo, 1991)

I don’t know anyone who didn’t spend hours playing this game when it was popular…which is surprising because each team’s playbook consisted of only eight plays. 

If you’re looking for defense, play with the Giants and slaughter QBs with Lawrence Taylor. Or, be the Eagles and do the safety dance almost every game with Jerome Brown and Reggie White.

If you want to score on every offensive play, be the 49ers and throw deep to Jerry Rice.  Montana to Rice is virtually unstoppable in this game. You could also go with the Vikes and their arsenal of reverse runs, flea flickers, and other assorted trick plays. Kansas City’s Christian Okoye simply runs wild on just about everyone and there’s no prayer of pulling him down in the open field. Or, you could go another route all together and run the bootleg left all day with the aptly named “QB Eagles” (Randall Cunningham).

The Tall Tactician

By: C.G. Morelli

Connie Mack said a lot of things during his career. Of course, it’s easy to say a lot when your career as manager spans half a century. He once said, “Humanity is the keystone that holds nations and men together. When that collapses, the whole structure crumbles.  This is as true of baseball teams as any other pursuit in life.” This perhaps recalls the image of the Tall Tactician, a man whose impeccable values and fatherly overtones produced much veneration for him from his arrival in Philadelphia in 1900 until his departure in 1950.

When all was said and done, Mack had compiled 3,731 wins with the Athletics, the most for a manager in baseball history, besting John McGraw by over 1,000 wins. His teams won the World Series five times in that span, and the AL title nine times. Ironically, Mack also racked up 3,948 losses during his tenure as the A’s manager. This total is also, far and away, the worst in baseball history. Mack actually finished in last place 17 times while at the helm of the Athletics. So, I guess it’s fitting that the most successful losing manager of all time would also coin the phrase, “You can’t win ‘em all.”

In fact, even with his staggering total of victories and irreplaceable impact on the game, Mack would humbly tell you that he wasn’t the quintessential baseball skipper. For that title, he’d have to tab one of his contemporaries during the early part of the century.  “There has only ever been one manager,” he said, “And his name is John McGraw.”

But, in Philly, he was more than quintessential. He was the Philadelphia Athletics.

Even after a dismal farewell season in ‘50, where his team finished an embarrassing 52-102 to claim last place for the 10^th time in 16 seasons, he was still considered the man.

After all, we’re talking about the first manager in history to win three World Series titles, and the only manager ever to win the series back to back on two separate occasions (1910-11, 1929-30). Last time I checked, people in Philly don’t forget stuff like that too quickly, which is probably why Mack could walk down the narrowest, most remote alleyway in the city and still be recognized as the father of Philadelphia baseball even by the stray cats.

But it was because of this prominence, this ultimate feeling of comfort which Mack exuded upon the fans, that his departure spelled the beginning of the end for the A’s in Philly.

The loveable fan favorite, Jimmy Dykes, took Mack’s role and improved the team to a 6^th place finish the following season. Even so, attendance plummeted drastically and continued to do so for the next few years. Things just weren’t the same without the Grand Old Man of Baseball staking his post on the dugout steps.

“Any minute, any day, some player may break a long standing record,” he said, “That’s one of the fascinations about the game, the unexpected surprises.”

Perhaps Mack’s departure was one of those unexpected surprises the Philadelphia Athletics were never prepared to face. Or maybe it was the fascination for the game that suddenly left the hearts of the fans and the organization once the venerable leader had fled the battlefield.

Whatever the factor, the A’s would never find a way to recover within the confines of their own backyard. They were sent packing to Kansas City in 1954. Mack died two years later, having spent 66 years in baseball as a player and manager.

After a lifetime of service to the game it’s no wonder Mack once said, “No matter what I talk about, I always get back to baseball.” Somewhere, I’d like to think, Mr. Cornelius Alexander McGillicuddy is having a little chat about baseball right now.

The Most Entertaining Quotes in Boxing History

By: C.G. Morelli

It’s hard to believe we’ve come to such a point where the sport of boxing is no longer relevant in America. Forget great fights, like the epic battles between Frazier and Ali, or even the two minute bloodbaths featuring Mike Tyson against a nameless rabble of also-rans. Forget legendary announcers like Howard Cosell drawing us in with their gravelly voices and savagely poetic commentaries. Nowadays, you’re lucky if you even hear a stray syllable spoken on the square science.

But I’m not about to lick my wounds and accept the MMA as a substitute to real boxing.

No. It’s just not right for us to forget the legends of boxing’s past, and all of the entertaining personalities that surrounded our sport over the years, simply because of recent history. That’s why I invite you to relish in some of boxing’s most entertaining quotes. I hope they’ll help you remember how enjoyable boxing used to be, and that it could be restored to prominence once again.

Boxing’s 15 Most Entertaining Quotes

15. "If you even dream of beating me, you better wake up and apologize." – Muhammad Ali

14. "I'm not much for talking. You know what I do. I put guys in body bags when I'm right". - Mike Tyson

13. "Boxing purists, quite naturally, question Tyson's appetite for victory. Mills Lane should have stopped the fight before Tyson took a second helping." - Fred Mitchell

12. "I consider myself blessed. I consider you blessed. We've all been blessed with God-given talents. Mine just happens to be beating people up." - Sugar Ray Leonard

11. "When we started, it was based on lies. It's changing now. There are no secrets in the business. You've got to come with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It's becoming very confusing." - Don King

10. "I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm." - Mike Tyson

9. "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter

8. "When you're in a relationship, you're always surrounded by a ring of circumstances... joined together by a wedding ring, or in a boxing ring." - Bob Seger

7. "I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark." – Muhammad Ali

 

6. "To me, boxing is like a ballet - except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." - Jack Handy

5. "If you screw things up in tennis, it's 15-love. If you screw up in boxing, it's your ass." - Randall Cobb

4. "Boxing is the only sport you can get your brain shook, your money took and your name in the undertaker book." - Joe Frazier

3. "All the time he's boxing, he's thinking. All the time he was thinking, I was hitting him." - Jack Dempsey

2. "I want to rip out his heart and feed it to Lennox Lewis. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children." - Mike Tyson

1. "The three toughest fighters I've ever been up against were Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Ray Robinson, and Sugar Ray Robinson. I fought Sugar so many times, I'm surprised I'm not diabetic! But I did have him off the canvas once...when he stepped over my body to leave the ring." - Jake LaMotta

The Human Projectile: Michael Zordich

By: C.G. Morelli

 

Before a certain #20 loomed largely in the defensive back field of the Philadelphia Eagles with his tinted, black visor and his magnetism for bone-crushing hits, another human projectile filled those shoes more than adequately. He wore the Kelly green jersey with his #36 proudly stitched on the back. No, I’m not talking about Brian Westbrook. Same number, I know. I’m talking about Michael Zordich. Who, you say? Exactly.

Few remember the hard hitting safety outside of Philly. I’ve yet to determine whether this is because he played for teams throughout his career that weren’t, shall we say, playoff ready, or simply because fans of NFC East rivals have blocked out the images of total carnage that often took place when Zordich was on the field.

Or, maybe it’s just my own maniacal fixation with NFL safeties, particularly those who have donned the green and silver, that allows me to remember quite clearly the bruising, blatant-disregard-for-his-own-body type of style that made this blue collar player so endearing to me.

Zordich made a name for himself as a four year starter and a 1985 All American at Penn State, where he capped off his college career with 201 solo tackles. His nose-to-the-grindstone approach to the game and his gutsy play inside Beaver Stadium caught the attention of scouts in the Chargers organization who thought enough of Zordich to take him with the 235^th overall selection in the 1986 NFL Draft.

However, his stay in San Diego was short lived. He became a camp casualty at the end of the preseason and found himself instead clinging to the final roster spot on a hapless Jets team after being claimed off waivers. But Zordich came to play regardless of what many saw as an inferior status for an undersized football player. He built himself a reputation as being one of the heaviest hitting safeties in the game despite flying well under the radar in stints with the Jets and Cardinals.

It was in 1994 that Zordich made his way back to Pennsylvania to play safety for a struggling Eagles club. That’s where I come in.

As a young, budding Eagles fan, I could not help but be taken by a player who, on more than one occasion, hit Michael Irvin so hard that he looked more like a crumpled accordion than a Hall of Fame receiver. How could I not like a guy who seemed oblivious on a weekly basis to the trickle of blood that rolled down the bridge of his nose as he lined up and prepared to punish another unsuspecting running back who made the mistake of breaking a run into the second layer of defense? 

And perhaps some of Zordich’s most enduring moments came as an unselfish member of the special teams unit despite holding a spot as a defensive starter. How many guys do you see doing that today? To me, his willingness to throw his body around on punts and kickoffs was a testament to the scrappiness that has come to define Eagles football in the mold of special teams stalwarts like home town boy, Vince Papale.

At any rate, Zordich’s career cannot be measured by stats alone. On paper they’re not all that impressive to be quite honest. In 12 NFL seasons, he picked off 20 passes and scored four defensive touchdowns, one of which was a 58 yard fumble recovery and return against the Giants back in 1995. He recorded 588 solo tackles in his career. Ho Hum, I guess.

But the passion he left on that playing field each week was enough to account for all 11 players on his team, and I’m sure his teammates would testify to that fact.